Why Polyamory is Bullshit
I appropriated this from my friend Sherilyn, cuz it totally encapsulates why I think this whole polyamory thing so prevalent in the Bay Area is b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t.
"I'm all about the Single Heterosexual Male and most of my theories and thoughts and philosophies are based in that world and in those experiences.
It's my opinion that the main different between Single Heterosexual Men and Single Heterosexual Women is that a man will more readily have sex with a woman he does not respect, than a woman will have sex with a man she does not respect. And one of the things that bothers me about free wheeling sex is women confusing sex with respect.
Also, I believe that most men have no compunction about pretending that he respects a women who is liberally putting out in order to get it wet, including subscribing to polyamory for "feminist" reasons, when in fact he's just happy to be getting laid as much as possible with as little inconvenience as possible and has no problem saying whatever he needs to do to get it.
Because he'll never be called upon it to prove his words. Or if he is, he can distract from the fact that he wishes not to be inconvenienced by calling it "discussing and renegotiating the rules"
Basically, in the end, having watched few relationships make it in the long term I think it's all bullshit. If one hasn't explored their sexuality enough, or cannot handle the inconvenience of monogamy or finds temptation overwhelming then one is simply not ready for what commitment can entail, which can be some fucked up shit waaaay beyond being tempted by the fruit of another.
As I've said before, I am not pro-monogamy, I am "don't ask don't tell", but what I am is anti-commitment on a sexual AND emotional level with more than one person at a time and I am anti-all time taken up with this stuff which is, IMHO, more about sex and love addiction than it is about subverting the dominant paradigm. Said as someone who is battling with some big issues around how much time I've wasted w/ my sexual politicking on people who didn't deserve any of it.
Here's an example: I have an acquaintance who is poly, and her child is one cry for help after another because her mother's attentions are so much on her relationships, and her mother is so addicted to this that when she's not dealing with her polyamory in the real world, she's got poly SIMS characters. She never talks about her kid except when her kid is acting out and then she's totally perplexed.
I think if one still feels they aren't done then why not just date. I think that's what a lot of polyamory is, it's people who feel it's "uncool" and "too superficial" to date so they have to crowd it with philosophy and manifestos, etc. etc.
There's too much trying to have freedom and security at the same time, which is detrimental to both character growth and staying based in reality.
The one thing, though, that I think is a common denominator is youth. This is more the provenance of youth, when you've got the energy and the freedom to do these things .. before kids and auto immune diseases and aging parents and career demands set in.
And the Bay Area, which more and more I'm coming to terms with is a fantasy land, and coming to terms with my own arrested development and my own wanting security and freedom at the same time. If you want to do nothing but explore your sexuality you can do so, well nigh into your sixties I suppose, but for what purpose and at what cost? I did it to become a good lover, then I did it for feminist reasons, then I did it to boost my self-esteem, then I did it for stress release, then I did it for money. I'm done. I'm ready to do it to express love and cement a relationship to ensure a family in the future, which may never happen and I have to face that reality. I think that's why this stuff gets to me, I resent the fact that so many people can continue to stay in denial. I wish I could.
I'm feeling a little pissy about this whole thing, as I recently met a guy whom I actually do like, but I wonder how well this thing is going to work. He's one of those edgy, Burning Man types, and I think I may just be a little too Pollyanna for him. Hearing he had an "open marriage" (and now he's divorced) makes me a bit wary of things. Monogamy may not be the answer, but I don't think polyamory is either.
But now I am too tired to think anymore. I've met 3 guys I like in the last 2 weeks, and at some point either someone will be eliminated through my volition or his own. Right now it's all I can do to keep the conversations and personal histories straight.